Oh yes, it’s August.

If there is one month I will never forget. It’s this month.

I used to love December, because my birthday and advent season resides in that month. But something came up, and changed everything I used to be.

Someone tried to open my heart to show me what true love means, and I’m more than grateful, that even if it didn’t last, I had the happiest time of my life.

And I will have something to smile about when I’m going to get old and worn.

This would also be my most unforgettable movie. We went to a korean film festival one time, and just watched whatever was scheduled to be screened.

And yes, my Christmas is now in August. 🙂

…and the world spins madly on

If there’s a perfect song to describe what I was feeling last month. This should be it.

Love begets love, like they always say, but I never really knew what it meant until I felt it.

I’ve always believed that loving someone should be effortless and easy and if it doesn’t feel that way anymore, then maybe something is missing, and maybe she’s not the right person for me.

I’ve always tried to live with no regrets, knowing all decisions I made was mine and not from someone else.

But at this moment, I just want to shout everything to the sky, and I could just kill myself if I try.

The Only Way Out

Let me first share an old song by Allan Roberts(songwriter) and Doris Fisher(singer), and revived by Michael Buble.

At first I didn’t understand the song, but partly I agreed, as I noticed, lovers cannot go on with it clean. There will always be, fights.

Until that day, 27th of January, 2011, I had to do what I had to do. I had to choose between to be or not to be.

I had to let her go, for good.

And the only way, was to hurt her. Badly.

But She Ain’t Just A Lifebuoy

SO YEAH, if you were interested enough to have read the post before this one, I’d presume the title of this post would be your reaction.

AND YEAH, I love her. I always will. It’s just that I don’t want to die for her yet. I tried to once, but she didn’t let me.

MAYBE, some other time. For now, I guess we’re better apart.

Sorry for the emotional posts. 😦

Swimming Off The Box

“He not busy being born is busy dying.” ~Bob Dylan

Stuck on comfort zones? Don’t know how to live without something, or someone perhaps?

Well, I have been there, as well as every single person in this world. We put imaginary lines on how far we should go, imprisoned by the people around us, thinking we’re home, we’re secured; where else would we rather be?

But one day, you’re going to meet that someone, who’s going to change everything in you. Someone who leads you to cross that line. Someone who defies all odds. Someone you did not even intend to love.

This is not to discourage you, but you’re going to experience pain. A pain that is unlike any other. A pain that gets your head to the ground thinking, will it ever end? But then, you’re likely to fight this off, considering it’s part of loving.

Earlier this month, me and my friends went to Bantayan Island, Cebu.

There were seven of us, but the other three don’t know how to swim. One of them was very proud for she brought a lifebuoy.

While we we’re already on the water, one of my can-swim-but-not-that-confident friends borrowed the lifebuoy so she can go farther off-shore.

I don’t how it happened but the next time I gazed, she was already trying to catch the lifebuoy as it was being carried away by the waves. I rushed to help save it since I know she couldn’t continue farther since she isn’t a sturdy swimmer yet.

I swam at full speed, but the waves remarkably made the lifebuoy unreachable.

I didn’t wanna give up, but I was losing stamina. I was afraid I might not have enough endurance to counter the raging current and be carried farther where the waves were tremendous. Bottomline, it was a matter of life and death, so I bailed myself out.

“I did my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough.” ~James Ingram

Keeping Time

If you can waste it, then maybe you can also keep it?

And there’s only one way to make that possible. 🙂

Frustrations And Resolutions

Well then again, over and over, whatever we do, there are always things that didn’t go as planned. Like the mystery of how I got conceived.

I am the youngest in the family. I only have one elder brother and also have four elder sisters. And like the usual scenarios, our parents tried hard to have a son, which resulted to my four lovely sisters first before my only brother finally arrived.

I can’t remember if they have told me the story of how it happened that they have another son, which turned out to be me. I don’t know if they planned to have me or I was just a twist of fate – if I may reiterate that, maybe I’m an accident. I don’t know, because I didn’t ask. I won’t know if they will tell the truth anyway if ever I did, because they know it will only hurt my feelings if they tell me I wasn’t supposed to exist.

Okay, it’s not like I’m not thankful I was born. If ever I was a mistake, that would mean for me, the sweetest mistake of all.

That’s about it. Let me end this post with a line from the movie, Kung Fu Panda, by the character Master Oogway as he talked to the deranged Master Shifu, which turned out to be a line from a famous psychologist, Sigmund Freud.

There are no accidents.

Fear Against Fear

“Nobody dies in an interview.” said in a kind tone by a woman in about her thirties as she wrapped up our conversation and turned down my application as a customer service representative because I still lack confidence.

Expressing myself has always been a problem of mine. My parents notice that with me sometimes. Like when they asked me what I really wanna do, since I’m torn between my passion and my profession. I wanted to stand up for the former, but like almost every situation I was in, the fear always wins.

I discovered something about fear. As a friend’s younger sister came to our apartment just today to do some school-stuff. She had to use our desktop personal computer.

When she arrived, I thought about what I should do with our dog since it was barking angrily at her. I told her not to worry, and just don’t come near him – I consider our dog a person. She said she’s afraid of dogs but I got overconfident. I didn’t anticipate that Marvin, the name I gave him, will attack her, for he doesn’t often behave that way. But sadly, he did attack her, that she almost fell to the floor. I had to send her outside, so as I could leash Marvin before she can come inside the house again.

As I tried to contain Marvin, I noticed that the he was heavily panting, he was trembling, as if he was the one who had been attacked.

Then I remembered what my older brother said, which he also just heard from his dog-loving friends. He said that dogs often misbehave when they sense fear from a person.

I never thought I would experience such a theory first-hand, and form a conclusion from it: Dogs attack because they also experience fear, because maybe fear for them means you have some hidden intentions which might bring harm to them. It’s very important then to keep your calm when in such situation which is not that easy, especially when you’ve had some bad experiences with them fanged creatures.

So there, I’ve said so much about fear, which explains the title of this post. This also kind of makes me feel guilty as I have been running away from certain fears. It’s about time I face them already.

Some other thoughts:

I’ve never blogged so much, makes me feel like I’m discovering myself more by doing this more. My deepest thanks to the people who introduced me to it.

Amazing Is Alive

I was checking out one of my favorite channels on cable television, and I learned the fact that there are more stars in the whole universe than there are grains of sand on the face of the planet, Earth.

They didn’t really count them, but I would rather not question their theories. I’m just fascinated of how small we can be, as I tried to imagine how humongous is the cosmos.

Like many others, I dreamed of becoming famous, someone who would be written in stones, body preserved, and adored by the generations to come – but as I tried to be one, I only got disappointed. I noticed that the more I try and please people, the less I am becoming of myself.

Stars? I used to wanna be them. Now for me, they’re just grains of sand, mixed with concrete to build a beautiful spacious house that no one really needs.

Life spent on trying to exist, is a waste of time – for we already are significant.

We should be asking why, what’s our purpose? Why are we even alive? Why is it so amazing to be living?

I Am Human, Ironically

I can’t comprehend the vastness of complexities of being among beings.